heaven

Quick side note. Had a thought. Wanted to say something. But I aknowledge the importance of the essay that's due tomorrow. I was just talking to a friend who *casually* mentioned heaven as a sub-plot point to a story. And I sort of glazy-eyed responded that I "don't like the idea of heaven." This is a sort of boring, ill-thought-out, response to a someone deep idea. Well. I percieve it to be a fairly surface level issue, but that's just my agnostic upbringing. Anyway, it's deep to may americans. Right. So to elaborate. I present you with two (2) issues with the general concept of heaven, emphasizing things that make me generally uncomfortable about it (aside from monotheism, ignorance, christian-right, etc.)
(1) Mind Body Seperation
Obviously a critical component of heaven, being that our bodies *tend* to stay on earth (exluding the scene in Jesus Christ Superstar, by Andrew Lloyd Webber, wherein Jesus speaks to his father ("God") about some sort of acent - wait - he doesn't actually rise in the musical - I don't remember - a beautiful song is played after the scene though) and this is important to note because mind-body seperations are hard to come across. Actually. Not too many well documented cases exist (exluding drugs). In *fact*, I would go so far as to say that a seperation of mind and body is impossible based on two (2) things: (1) There is no evidence to support the mind as physically seperate from our nervous system and (2) self identity is complicated and I don't think the mind controls the body - I think the body has created what we consider to be the mind, or spirit, or id or whatever the fuck - Also, I don't actually think the "mind" is legitimate, but rather a word to explain a complicated neural system that (seems to) over-analyze certain aspects of our existance.
(2) Infinity/Eternity
There is a maximum quantity that humans can conceptualize. It's difficult for us to mentally realize numbers in the 100,000s, millions, billions, etc. Think of 2 people you know. Now think of 10. Now think of 100! It gets difficult, and we sort of just start to lump large numbers together - so when someone says '3000 people were killed today' we sort of just conceptualize it as one large unit, rather than the actual quantity. With that being said, it is impossible for us to handle the concept of infinity (side note: this is an interesting aspect of Syntax, which is an infinite system in itself, yet we have a pretty good cognitive handle on it). So! Temporally speaking, the idea of "enternity" is just a representation of infinity, but in terms of time. This is impossible. At least for us to wrap our brain around. Heaven is viewed an eternal state. And we (as humans) are *so* casual to accept this as reality - its difficult for me to accept this idea, especially when factoring in the seperation of my "spirit" or "mind" from my biological self - which is, by the way, the only self we possess - spirt and mind are branches from our neural mainframe. We built spirituality.

Obviously my arguements are more ranty and quantitative than intellegent and qualitative, but it is how i feel.

Forget left/right, ask to hit the egg.

Well, considering the fact that it's 10 minutes until 4am. I feel that I'm at a disadvantage. However, looking out my window, which is only, 2 inches at most at this angle, I see an almost full moon, the space needle, and the periodic white and red lights flashing from I-5, whose bridge acts as an artery, connecting the university of washington, and any soul north of it, to downtown seattle. I'd watch out for 2nd ave. So my evening is no failure. I've even got ani with me, circa 1999, stretching my toes.

Today I did the movie thing with Colleen "Judy Garland", and my roommate. The new batman. It was whatever. People feel deep when the movie weaves glossy darkness with emotional moments involving bombs. Also watched the first three episodes of weeds.

I wanted to get some things down. But it all seems to come and pass. Every once in a while I'll jot something down on a black piece of paper while staring into the walls during my linguistics classes. Chewing gum. Waiting for a romance languauge to be mentioned so I can chime in, or just listen. Either way. It has come to be on this paper.

I watched the movie Running With Scissors. The other day. Went out the next day and bought the book. I don't believe it. At the time I felt it blew my face off - now I realise it just opened my eyes. The blowing the face off is an overeggaeration fascilitated by my infatuation with odd family relations. It's either a reoccurance in the media, or more simply a reoccurance in life itself; odd family relations, that is.

I may take CSE 142 next quarter. But it sets me back a class. I don't know. Sounds like something I want to consider.

My room is caving in on me. I am looking forward to the beginning of august, when I can convince myself to start packing my shit and stacking boxes and throwing massive amounts of clothes and shit away. I need to make changes this summer.

I need to make changes.

Not sleeping wasn't something that I wanted included in that.

I have words I want to know
Forget. Olvidar. Esquecer. Oublier.
Left-Right. a la izquierda-derecha. à esquerda-dereita. sur la gauche - a droite.
Ask. a la izquierda. à esquerda. sur la gauche.
Hit. golpear. golpear. frapper?
Egg. huevo. ovo. oeuf.

A proud sunburn, no less.

Walking home from Wallingford this evening at around 10:30pm felt good. I was a beautiful girl, and and the evening called for a pair of shorts, and a Cody Wyoming T-Shirt. Sex and the City turned into more of an emotional commitment for the evening than I had planned. But whenever I sit down for 2 hours and am forced to analyse the lives and mistakes of 4 fake overly-wealthy middle aged women, I am also forced to analyse my own life. I feel that maybe Colleen felt the same way. So we made a date for cocktails a year from now. But until then, I need to take care of a couple of things.
(1) My 20th birthday is on friday. I need to stop hiding under a rock. This is a numerical milestone, and, although at first it is a bit amusing to think I am a small 20 years old, it is also important to me.
(2) I need to send that letter to the IRS. Nothing big. No worries.
(3) Phonetics assignment. Of course I'm choosing portuguese.
(4) Get that job on tuesday. *no* questions. Just do it.
(5) Tomorrow morning. A run, coffee, followed by the library. Followed by classes. Followed by a review of the IPA, especially vowels. (See bullet point (4)). Study for Syntax quiz. Clean room. Study french or something.
(6) Email autumn girls about living. Deal with it.

I might just up and leave for portugal. Any second now.

I don't want to be stuck alone again on my birthday.

I have the best view of the city in all of the U-District. I can't believe how lucky I am.

Oh, and the rain felt really amazing today. After the sunburn from pride.

wrapping my face around infinity

It strikes me as odd - that a species so highly evolved as humans, so well adapted, are so controlled by what we call emotions. Just the fact that the word suicide exists in our lexicon tells me that we are too emotional. Our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are many times irrational, and without simple logic. I don't believe it to be advantageous. I don't believe it to be necessary for survival. And on a personal note, I become frustrated, more often than not, at the very existence of the concept of emotion. It is one of many words in human language that implies something far beyond our ability to understand. Why name what we cannot grasp? Love, God, Infinity, Purpose, ... , Time. These are all words that mean so much to any person, child or adult, male or female, intelligent or not, and yet we don't understand the concepts. At all.

With that being said, I have fallen into somewhat of a financial state of fuck. I admit, I can always do more to improve cash flow, save, dine in, etc., but I never expected to reach this embarrassing state. I am dealing with it. I am dealing with classes. I am dealing with a new roommate. I am dealing with Elle gone. Lauren gone. Insecurities of all kinds. I may look for a job tomorrow. I may run out of money completely.

I may get up and move to Dili.

We are going to dance non-stop now, or Why Plants?

Today, after an early morning coffee (okay - like 9am), and a nice conversation with Anastasia about cannibalism & anthropology, I headed out to capitol hill (if you're not from Seattle, this has little to due with a political center of the city, and also::keep in mind that Seattle is not the capitol of Washington) and onward to hospital hill to meet up with Aunt Audrey and Uncle Bob for dinner at a new sheik organic restaurant in north bend, followed by a nice evening in big oldpeople chairs chatting about our respective lives and what we've learned from eachother. Dinner was fine. It turns out that I can hold a respectable conversation with adults. This ability must have just presented itself in the last... 5 days, because I remember stumbling over my words when I met Elle's parents. Anywho, conversations about linguistics, biology, and public education ensued. Bob was a public school german teacher for 30 some years and had a lot of input. Both were kind and encouraging but every member of my family, I feel, is still a little miffed I didnt' become a doctor like I promised every one whilst in high school.
"I just don't care enough about the human race" - I always say.
[laugh] "Well, as long as you're happy" - They always respond with.
Translation: "Damnit - Why plants?"
'Why Plants?' is a question that comes up fairly frequently in my life, and I feel like the explaination is not as spiritual, or eloquent as one might imagine it to be.
Why plants? Why not? Cell walls, indeterminate growth, alternation of generations, totipotency... SOLD
Seriously.

Anyway, so tonight I'm in north bend. Enjoying a quiet night with relatives. Feeling the effects of the 4 + 2 shots of espresso throughout the day. As I sat through my aunt's hair appointment, reading my new favorite book Seed to Seed (more about this later, I presume), I realised that suburbia (kirkland, to be exact) is a foreign, static place that I feel uncomfortable in. In fact, let's keep that ball rolling and just put it out there that I don't much like any place that's not in the city. I know it makes me sound out of touch with nature, or reality, or something, but I honestly am more comfortable within the metropolitan confines of major cities. This theme seems to come up too much. I think it's the apparent connection that people make between my botany major and their assumptions of what a botanist likes to do. Hike. Climb trees. Protest. Rock climb. Drink wheat grass. None of these things I engage in. Promise. I'm an urban botanist. I like plants as organisms. I am not a gardener. Nor am I a farmer. Nor a landscaper. Nor a horticulturist. I am a scientist. I enquirer about life processes. This dilemma has prompted this thought: do I refrain from telling strangers I am a botany major for fear of being stereotyped and asked about peoples dying plants in their garden? or, do I proudly wear my love of plants on my sleeve and work hard to counter the stereotypes set into place and break boundaries with my somewhat tight clothes and facial piercings.
Who knows. I'ma leave that thought for later, and make a decision plus tarde. Before I succumb to my book for the night, I have one more quick thing to say. Confessions on a Dancefloor is my favorite album this week. I can't get enough of it. I can't even believe I've spent the better part of the last couple of years not listening to it. It has to be my favorite Madonna album. She completely tore down any walls confining her. She said. Okay. American Life didn't work. Fuck this.

We::::are::::going::::to::::dance::::non:::::stop:::::now.

The album has prompted many long winded thought processes and I feel that it best functions as a unit. Rather than each song being a separate entity.

I really have a lot to say about this album. I've been in a complete dry-spell the last couple of weeks. No music that I've been about to GET myself inside of. And I feel like this album feels good in my head ::

you know when you chew mint gum, and then drink water from a water fountain and it feels like you're drinking the physical manifestation of clarity?

yes.

Excuse me, but there are periodical cicadas in my iced coffee.

Okay. Actually I'm drinking full throttle, rather than iced coffee. And I'm not writing my research paper on cicadas so much as I'm writing in my blog.

First off. The word "blog" is a shortening of "web log" (who knew?) and it is also a great way to procrastinate.

1) Alanis' new album
Alanis Morissette's new album was leaked this week, and obviously I can't stop listening to her. Flavors of Entanglement (album name) was co written and co produced by Guy Sigsworth (if the name doesn't ring the bell, look up his involvement with Frou Frou and Bjork). The man's a genius and it is of my personal opinion that he brought alanis back from the deep excrements of her previous album (2004) So Called Chaos. Don't get me wrong --> I love the album - but it wasn't very... inspirational. She wrote some very catchy pop hooks (Eight Easy Steps and Spineless and Doth I Protest deserve at least some amount of applause.) but the second I remember that Out if Through made it on the album my heart sinks and I feel sick (if you're an obbsessed fan, then you'll understand this: I like the vancouver session recording 8billiontimes more than the album version). Anywho, the first fantastic thing about this album is the size of it. The album itself is 11 tracks, but Itunes offers 5 bonus tracks. Add the couple of B-Sides recorded and youve got yourself almost 20 new tracks to work with. Secondly, Guy Sigsworth likes electronic beats. So you've got this multi-layered electro dance rock post-break up album. Citizen of the Planet, Versions of Violence, Moratorium, On The Tequila, Giggling, and The Guy Who Leaves deserve a standing ovation. These songs feel really good. I havn't felt like this about alanis since 2002 when under rug swept came out and I was pubescing and loving every second of it.

2) Long Weekend - Short Quarter - Boring Classes
This quarter deserves no enthusiasm. My dream schedule has turned to the worse. Plant Propagation is a useless class. It's a lecture based class about a hands-on topic. Entomology is a dreadful lecture to sit through. And Romance Linguistics... the professor is too weird for anything to feel good. I've probably learned most so far in the latter class, but mostly through my own explorations. We had a long weekend. Mine was... like 5 days or something. Port Angeles for trevs birthday (21!) and folk life in seattle and parties and socializing. No homework. Though. This quarter is almost done and I'm really really not close to finishing my research paper. I haven't started my final project for plant propagation.

3) Pop Music
Is better than anything right now. I spent a lot of time with cool hip college kids who long rock music from the 70s. Now don't get me wrong. I love me song rock and roll. But damnit if I have to hear one more guitar solo I'm going to throw something out the window.

4) Teaching
I am going to go to a information session about the MIT (Masters in Teaching) to get more information about secondary education. This could be the beginning of something huge, or the end to something small.

5) San Fransisco
This summer? Who knows.

more later... + pictures from the weekend!

Spring break blabber

I can do better in school. But the good news I achieved my goals this quarter for grades. Barely. But I did. So I am proud of myself.

Winter quarter is behind me. Spring quarter is right around the corner. And I have 8 billion things to deal with. On Sunday. But today. I can fuck around on my new computer. I have no responsibilities right now. This won't last long. I'm sure. But nevertheless. Here I have. Nothing.

Tiago Bettencourt and John Farnham (oddly enough) are getting the most airplay this week. As is Rihanna and the cast of High School Musical 2. It's an odd life. I admit. But it gets me through.

Today I played Super Mario Galexy or something. Beautiful Game. Mom is home.

Thai food? Neoprene? Yes. Yes.

:)